Reflections

The day starts off with sun, albeit amongst quite chilly air. The forecast is a mixed bag and 30 minutes in to my ride I have already met cold sprinkle rain twice--intermixed with that sunshine I was looking forward to soaking in. I'm riding in my most dapper of all-black kit and my bike is perfectly clean and lubed. Everything is perfect except the nagging inner calmness that has eluded me for some time. Impending calamity it seems is a constant companion.
Within myself, I am meant for greater.

Despite the gusty winds there is a calmness about the day. A swell of flora and fauna are moving in slow motion around me and yet, the sunny shine of fresh showers have made everything shimmer and the road is ablaze.
Uninhibited. Vibrant, Verdant.

These roads are familiar; my gearing choices routine. I shift through gearing effortlessly, my pedal stroke supple despite lingering fatigue from Sunday's long ride efforts. My breathing is even and unlabored. Today is not a day to test my mettle but a day to stop and smell the roses. Yet with the showers and warm sun I only smell my sunscreen.
I see the vision splendid,
the sun implies lasting glory.

Metronomic pedaling, and the roughened country roads ripple up through my shoulders. I keep a steady posture; strong and unwavering. I hold my position perfectly and continue on through the rolling hillsides. The rolling, growling din of carbon and rubber on tarmac spurs me onward. A rhythmic, lulling symphony as the miles tick by.
I roll with this road ahead,
keeping myself strong against it's imperfections.

I've come back on my tepid-paced loop within a few miles of home and it's all been through me head: the highs, lows, mistakes, passion, heartbreak, and doubts of the past year. I've come out stronger, wiser...with more resolve.
I felt sincere joy and passion. I experienced bitter disappointment and anger. I went through things I never imagined I would have to experience. I picked up the pieces.
I'm stronger than I realize. 
I'm better than I thought I was.

This tailwind is a pleasantry as I shift down into harder gearing. I want to test my legs. The thinking part of this ride is done. Men of action finish the day strong.
I fold myself into the drops, tighten my stomach, tuck the elbows, and flatten my back and shoulders. I am slipping through the wind faster and faster-- my pedal stroke is churning, injecting more and more speed into my own slipstream as I stay tucked for a fast approach.
No matter what, I am ready.

The road pitches up and I jump from the saddle, straining with the initial effort. I rock the bike ever-so-slightly side to side as my legs hurl me up the climb.  
Click, click, click...faster.

I throw my bike into a drag race with itself. I've lost track of my heart rate but know it's well North of 180. The mouth is getting dry. The sun is across my level shoulders and warming my calves.
With the final 150m I see the crest of the climb and I give a final dig. I muscle through with everything I have in my legs. I keep low in the drops and attack myself from within. I know no competition greater than that.
It's moments like this that make you lose track of everything-- time, surroundings, pain. I attack the past year with this climb-- these last two hours of meditative thought spent on the road have hit their crescendo. I lay to rest all my demons, all the unsettling thoughts. I won't dwell on last year.  It's done and over.
I attack the road ahead.
a gradient unwavering.

The road levels out, and I'm left gasping and resolved. One of my best times up the climb. My face is (likely) none too pretty and my shoulders are rolled over from the strain of the effort. The lungs are seared and my body is punished. My mouth is gaped. A Hoover vacuum starving for air.
I gently spin the final mile home.
 --
I feel the release that had been eluding me.